There is no greater resource for learning about what people find attractive than to look at their pornography.
Heterosexual men, according to their pornography, like enthusiastically consenting young women with waist to hip ratios around .70 but with a fairly large variety of body proportions, sizes, ethnicities, and situations in which they might engage in sex.
Although some women may watch porn, the vast majority have their fantasies fulfilled and their libidos revved by reading romance novels, erotic or not. We can easily see trends in men’s pornography and it’s even easier to see the trends of women’s pornography. The male love interest must be tall- well over six feet- handsome like a male model, the richest man of her acquaintence, and, most importantly for this discussion, a bit of a cold, aloof douche.
Think of all of the fictional male heroes who fall into this characterization. Mr. Darcy from Pride and Prejudice, Rhett Butler from Gone With The Wind, Edward Cullen from Twilight, and Christian Grey from 50 Shades of Grey all fit the description to a T, and all of them, considering how popular their books are to female audiences, are thought of as the most beloved fictional male heroes of all time. Others like Mr. Rochester from Jane Eyre, Eric Northman from the True Blood series, even Draco Malfoy from Harry Potter (who became a favorite crush amongst female fans) clearly fit the bill.
It is not in spite of these male characters’ cold, emotionally distant demeanors that women like them, it is precisely because of that trait. This should be made all the more clear given that some of the fictional male characters above, such as Eric Northman and Draco Malfoy, were not intended to be main love interests or even romantic characters at all, but became so solely because of their popularity amongst female readers.
J.K. Rowling: I Can’t Understand Why Girls Fall For Draco Malfoy
Why does this happen? Women seek emotionally distant men for the same reason men sought out virgins back in the day; it’s about prizing different types of fidelity.
Men want women who aren’t going to sexually cheat on them so that they have paternal assurety for their children. Women want men who won’t emotionally cheat on them as that presents a far greater threat to the man’s continual provisioning of her and her children. He may not spend a dime on a woman he has sex with, but he probably will spend a whole lot on a woman he’s fallen in love with.
It’s easy to understand the appeal of a female sexual virgin who has turned away countless other men, but then the right guy comes along that she thinks highly enough of to say yes to. Likewise, women fantasize about men who don’t fall in love easily, or never have at all, and thus the woman will be all that more special for having gotten that cold, emotionally-distant jerk to fall head over heels for her. If the sexual virgin who wouldn’t easily give it up even to the guy she is dating sounds like a good bet for him to marry, then to women the emotional virgin man is also a good bet for her to marry.
Of course, outside of books and in reality, there are drawbacks for each side. The sexual virgin may have turned down so many men because she will not like sex or isn’t sexually attracted to the guy she’s currently dating. And likewise, the aloof, brooding, broken guy who keeps everyone at a distance, including the woman who is pursuing him, might only ever want sexual relationships or might not be interested in that specific woman.
Yet, in reality many women do go after men who aren’t interested in dating them, men who seem like they aren’t interested in dating anyone. In fact, the other side to this tendency is that if a man shows too much romantic interest in a woman initially, he will disqualify himself from her attraction.
If you look at those top rated books mentioned above, you’ll note that the hero always first pursues the heroine for any other reason but overt romantic interest. He may seek her out for casual sex, as is the case with Christian Grey, Rhett Butler, and Eric Northman. He may want to drink her blood, as is the case with Edward Cullen. But the male hero cannot fall in love upon sight of the heroine and want to pursue a romantic relationship with her immediately.
Think of Ted Mosby from How I Met Your Mother. Ted is the antithesis to the emotional virgin because he falls in love with every girl he meets and wears his heart on his sleeve. No wonder his friend the rich, douche Barney Stinson who sleeps with women easily but never falls in love with them eventually became the romantic interest for the female protagonist Robin. And Ted? Well, most women hate him.
Ted Mosby From HIMYM Is A Jerk, Not A Romantic
Barney Vs Ted: The Real Misogyny of HIMYM
Similarly, female audiences went gaga for Han Solo, not Luke Skywalker whose good and noble character is admired by men. It should be no surprise that the female audiences of the most recent Star Wars movies wanted their girl protagonist Rey to get together with Han Solo’s son and really bad boy Kylo Ren, even though a romance with Finn was first presented.
In the face of a whole cast of male characters, women will single out the cold, emotionally distant bad guys as their prominent love interests. Harry Potter fanfiction writers favored pairings between their favorite female character Hermione Granger and Draco Malfoy or Severus Snape, even though in the books these male characters are not portrayed in a romantic light at all. In the books, Draco Malfoy is a rich, snobby, selfish boy who bullies others largely through the two thugs he keeps around him. In fanfiction, he became a handsome, intelligent, talented, witty, but still rich, selfish snob who bullied others… until Hermione Granger got him to change his ways.
The intense fervor for Loki from the Thor movie series also showcases this principle. As do the women who loved Joker and Harley Quinn from the Suicide Squad movie.
If you have a story with a bad guy who can be considered at least slightly handsome, generally dislikes everyone, and is emotionally unavailable, that is the guy female audiences will go for.
Many want to believe when they see women going after cold, aloof jerks that it is society’s fault, that it is society and men themselves that trick women into pursuing these men. What female fiction can tell us is that even when other kinds of men are presented as the accepted love interest- men who are kind, good, sweet, emotionally open and certainly not afraid of falling in love- women will reject these characters in favor of their opposite. They will turn villains into romantic heroes because they fit the bill a lot more than that nice guy ever could.
And it should be no surprise to anyone that the same thing happens in real life, too. Just look at how this one blogger described it when talking about the relationship between Carrie Bradshaw and Mr. Big from Sex and the City (another perfect example of the emotionally distant man we’ve talked about here):
“Nearly every woman I know, when chasing after a man that felt a bit out of her league and disinterested, thought of him at some point as her “Big.” He represents that love we must conquer over years and years of hard work. He is the man that we work for, despite him treating us in an objectively terrible way, because his rejection is sweeter than any other man’s acceptance.”
Women are not taught to love cold, distant jerks, they are biologically hard-wired to seek them out. They may be playing a highly foolish lottery to try to find that one jaw droppingly handsome billionaire dark supernatural creature who is also capable of monogamy and being a great father, but hey, they would really hit the jackpot if they could find him.
Unapologetically Anti-Feminist 